Big Chef Takes On Little Chef

For two nights running, I've watched Heston Blummenthal and his lispy tw at of a co-chef try to reform our beloved Little Chef. And I'm just not getting it.

We start in the first part of the first programme. Baldy four-eyes tells us, informatively, about five times before the break that this programme is about "modernising" Little Chef. The fat bloke off the Nationwide advert with slightly greyer hair stars as the Managing Director, who's full of phrases which mean nothing, like "blue sky thinking" and "taste explosion", turning the hour into a long, long game of Bullsh*t Bingo.

All through the programme, Heston was painted as the grand hero, despite the fact that he came across essentially as poncey (as one diner remarked when faced with his Lapsang Suchong Scrambled Eggs with Smoked Salmon - the truckers' choice, of course), ignorant and intolerant (particularly his ar se crawling underlings, with their insensitive treatment of Michael, a stalwart of Little Chef for nearly 30 years), unimaginative (really, replicating dishes from his restaurant such as the ridiculous ice cream experience) and rude - particularly when pressing Nationwide Man for the GP figures (you're not a member of the team, Heston, you're just helping Little Chef, not managing the company).

Harry Hill's cousin did, however, slightly redeem himself in the second programme. Throughout the two nights, the core business model and target group of the restaurant had been thoroughly ignored and scoffed at by Blummenthal. When people turn up at the Little Chef, they want food that is quick, filling and what they've had for years. They aren't interested in innovations from The Fat Duck.

This Heston did attempt to crawl back towards by reintroducing a full breakfast to the menu - even if it was heavily sanitised. Ann, clearly Gran from Benidorm's cousin with working legs, incessantly reminded Heston of the need for beans, which the three Michelin-starred chef consistently ignored until she was proved right. Perhaps it's because poncey man was more used to methane coming from his mouth than his ar se.

The programme came to a climax when toys were thrown out of Heston's seashell-clad pram as it slowly dawned that BCTOLC was merely a marketing exercise for a dying company. How did he miss it? Perhaps he should have gone to Specsavers.

Worst of all, however, were his assistant chefs, one of whom looked like Jamie Oliver minus the Downs Syndrome and the other who largely resembled a penniless university student with hair styled by one of Little Chef's own griddle hoods. The pair of serial ar sewipes cruelly mocked long-serving Michael's methods of cooking, visibly upsetting him, and making the whole situation very uncomfortable for the viewer. I suppose when you've worked at Blummenthal's restaurant for so long you aren't used to seeing more than a few grams of rocket on a plate the size of Calcutta

Will I be watching tomorrow night? Of course I will. I'm now less interested in whether Heston's plan works, and more interested in seeing him shot down by Nationwide Man as the ponce he truly is. Despite his insistences that he's just a "normal guy" who didn't grow up on caviar or lobster, right now he's about as normal as Andrew Sachs is interesting.

I'd just like to know whether anyone else shares these opinions. What I thought would be a really good programme has become compulsive viewing for all the wrong reasons, and I left tonight feeling not quite the way I think Channel 4 thought I was supposed to feel.

Still, at least it's not Jamie Oliver. He'd really get on my ti ts.

Wow... a lot of anger... and name-calling... and some borderline offensive terminology. Do a TV program review fine, just don't try and overdo yourself with some supposedly edgy terms that might sound funny coming from the characters in "Peep Show", but here sound positively spiteful. I wear glasses - does that mean I am called Four-Eyes too?

Cracking review there JAH.

The programme never really defined Blumenthal's remit. It seemed to change constantly as the first two episodes unfolded. Blumenthal didn't really have a clue what his brief was and neither did Little Chef. It was pretty clear that the producers threw the two parties together like that, with no guidance or direction to fall back on, deliberately in order to create car crash viewing. Contrast that approach to Jamie's Ministry of Food where there was a clearly structured 'plan' (albeit a far fetched one) and Jamie Oliver had the constant support and resources of the production team on his side.

Any such kind of modernisation or reinvention of a brand can't be achieved by tinkering only with the product; there obviously needs to be an integrated rethink of the marketing, pricing structure, restaurant ambiance and all kinds of other things, but there were no references to any of these factors, or how Blumenthal's food would fit into the overall jigsaw. Trialling Blumenthal's food within the setting of the existing Little Chef format didn't work, but had it been part of a much wider approach with the expertise of the large teams of people who normally work behind the scenes on projects like that, it may have worked. So the whole thing was really just a slapstick television stunt for pure entertainment purposes.

Funniest of all, for me, was Blumenthal's constant indignation and paranoia that Little Chef's participation in the programme may have been little more than a marketing exercise on their part. What hypocrisy. Blumenthal (like Ramsay et al) is himself a showman; a marketing man who has used the power of television to turn himself into a money-making brand name. But heaven forbid that Little Chef should try to snatch a rare opportunity for a bit of televisual exposure.

Oh, and droplets of sherry vinegar drizzled over the fried eggs? Do me a favour. Try and roll that one out nationwide and most Little Chef customers will assume that some other foodstuff or cleaning fluid has been accidentally spilt over their food on its journey from kitchen to table.

It did feel far too much like an exercise in staged overdramatising of scenes, than in a programme with a real purpose. 'And now old chef who's been working here for years thus is used to working with people.... has decided she's had enough, and is quitting on the most important day of the project... oh and now she's changed her mind *shock*'

In the next part I'm looking forward to the point where we get something about how 'and now in an unexpected development, it turns out that all along the Little Chef Chief Executive has been having a secret affair with the top chef. This threatens the whole proje...'

Its utterly dreadful, isn't it?

It didn't bode well from the start with Heston's, "This could be completely humiliation" (err.. shurely shome mishtake?) in the opening titles.

His incredulity that people perceive him as an ostentatious, wealthy food snob was rather amusing. Perhaps if he removed his jewel encrusted wrist watch the size of Wales, people might think of him as more down to earth. Oh, and stopped trying to get cafe staff to serve food containing liquid nitrogen.

It says it all when Heston tackled the Olympic breakfast - "Yes... its the biggest selling and most popular dish in Little Chef's range - its got to change".

What a clueless man.

Second only to the Chief Executive of the firm, who knows even less what his customers want, or how to define anything beyond "blue skies thinking".

Worst. Mission Show. Ever.

I've been watching it as well.

Very lazily produced - overuse of the same cutaways and music (the Bray aerials in particular...)

Also - whilst the show is supposedly a linear journey through the process of re-inventing the menu - many of the interview clips of the main players are plainly from a single interview session (presumably at the beginning of the process) - which at times felt misleading.

I like Heston's manner and intent a lot - and his BBC "In Search of Perfection" series was brilliant.

The MD/Owner/Chief Exec (Ian?) character appears to be David Brent mk II, and - from the way the show has been edited - appears to be particularly slippery.

Equally one of Heston's chefs (Ross?) appears to have been cast because he would be confrontational and belittle some of the Little Chef workers, and the Popham Manager (Michael?) has also been cast for similar reasons. There are some quite unpleasant undertones at times - but then if it all went swimmingly and everyone liked everyone you wouldn't have the (manufactured?) drama that drives these kinds of shows...

I wouldn't say it is classic TV - and Gordon Ramsey would have solved the issues far more quickly (Simpler menu, Better ingredients cooked better and more heathily by people who can cook, Job done) - but it is interesting - if only to see how poor some of the senior managers appear to be at managing and communicating.

It was reported last year that the programme makers were trying to get Gordon Ramsay to do it. It would seem that Blumenthal wasn't the first choice.

I doubt that Ian Pegler (the chief executive) would have wanted Gordon Ramsay

What makes you say that?

That would make sense - he is a far closer fit with the aim of the show (and also a C4 name)

Heston Blumenthal and Little Chef was a far odder combination in some ways - though Heston's series on Perfection showed that he has a very strong nostalgic streak for the food of his childhood - and certainly doesn't look down on stuff like Burgers and chips.

Perhaps not, but he would attempt to cook it on a welder's bench using a blowtorch, and serve in a feathered trilby.

Nice line - except that he didn't... The "In Search of Perfection" series was really interesting - and whilst I don't think it was suggested that anyone would be able to replicate some of the results at home - it wasn't as OTT as people are making out in presentation.