The relationship between Anthony and Craig is getting quite disturbing now. It definitely took a sinister turn when Craig was copping reasonably intimate feels of Anthony when he was blind drunk. It is suddenly making me feel uncomfortable now.
On a lighter note, the following was posted by L-u-x-x-y (not our own) on Digital Spy...
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TWO MONTHS LATER......GUESS WHO CAME TO DINNER AND WON"T LEAVE!
..in a quiet culde sac in Consett Co. Durham, behind the unassuming facade of the ordinary two up two down terraced house, with its neat front garden and crisp, white net curtains, turmoil reigns in the Hutton household, over the house guest Craig Coates......
Nana Hutton: ( whispers) "Ant'knee pet, I know 'es ya mate like but it's been two month now like and 'es eatin' us out of house and home like".
Ant'knee: "ay I knows Nana, but I canna do owt, 'e won't leave us alone like."
Cretinous Craig:
"Anfffonknee..Anfffonnnkneeee...come and sit next to me, give me a cuddle b!tch, can I touch ya Anffonknee, can I, sit next to me ( sob , sob, blub, blub) Why ya got ya arm round that b!tch!!!"
Ant'knee: "Fookin' hell man, she's me Nana like!"
Cromer Crimper Craig: "OH I can't believe YOU Anfffonkneee after ALL I've done for ya and you treat me like sh!t. I'm telling ya boy don't trust anyone in this house. I cook and clean for you, not that old woman and that other devious cow..."
Ant'knee: "Who me mam like?"
Creepy Craig: "Listen Anffonknee she's trying to come between us, she's a manipulative b!tch, she's not fit to touch ya...."
Ant'knee: "But she gave birth to us like!!!"
Callous Craig: "Details mere details. I wish you were ( puts hands to his mouth and whispers) G...A..Y)."
Ant'knee: "But I'm always happy and that like!"
T!tboy: "Do ya love me Annffonknee, do ya, do ya love me???, come and sit next to me. Where ya going Anffonkneeee, I can't bear to be in a room without ya.."
Nana Hutton: "He's gaan to the tiolet like pet, leave him for a sec like, and shouldn't ya be making a move back to Norfolk, like. I'm sure ya mam must be missin' yas and that like."
The Cromer Creep: "Oh you can just shut up. I will not diminish my character by arguing with you, old woman, get out of my way, you don't know me and what I'm capable of!!!!!!!Anyway for your information my family have moved and I dont have a forwarding address. Annnfffonkneeeee I'm coming darhlin'".
Nana Hutton to Ma Hutton: "Call 999 now....and tell 'em to send armed back -up like pet."
MEANWHILE AT THE CONSETT POLICE STATION.....
........custody officer Brain Jenkins receives a frantic telephone call:
Pc Jenkins: "..calm down pet, speak slower. I canna hear yas.....what he's been there two month like and won't leave....stalkin' ya grandson like...a dangerous lunatic ya says....yes we do have trained armed officers at this station...well I'll need a description like pet...enormous head.....pot-belly...ill-fitting pink t-shirt...ill-fitting jeans...sweaty chubby hands....answers to the name of Craig C.....OMG pet...that's not the Cromer Crimper off of BB6 is it ?....Jesus Christ this is more serious than I thought....we're on the case pet....don't antagonise him...he may start...to...cry!!!!!!!"
(Pc Jenkins puts the phone down and breathes heavily, then gets on his police radio).
..... "this is an urgent call out, code red, to ALL officers in the Co. Durham, Newcastle and Middlesborough region, hell the whole of the North East. We have a siege situation in Consett. One Craig Coates aka the Cromer Crimper, has taken Ant'knee Hutton, 70s disco dancer, hostage in the toilet of his small, but well proportioned terrace house. Approach with extreme caution. I repeat with extreme caution. Mounted police officers and those in full riot gear are to proceed to the scene immediately. GO! GO! GO!....I only pray to God we get there in time".
MEANWHILE BACK IN THE TOILET CHEZ HUTTON.........
Ant'knee (foolishly) takes a leak whilst Craig sits on the side of the bath, playfully twisting the head off the pink doll in a frilly long dress/toilet paper cover and gazing longingly at Ant'knee'...ermmm....member!!!.......suddenly with a fleetness of foot hitherto unseen in the slightly portly, well downright overweight Norfolk kno*end, Craig springs from the bath and positions himself right next to Ant'knee......
Ant'knee: " Fookin' hell man wat ya doin' like, why ya puttin' ya hands there!!!"
Cromer Craig: " Oh My God ( blub, blub) I DON"T BELIEVE YOU ANFFFONNNKNEEEE ( sob, sob), I put my hand on your co*k, as a friend ( sniffle, sniffle) and you're DISGUSTED, I make ya sick ( tiny tears, tiny tears). Ya let that b!tch touch it though didn't ya. Didn't complain when SHE did it ( breaksdown)".
Ant'knee: " Yeah but she was me ex-fiancee like , and we'd been goin' out for like two years and that..."
Crying Crimper: " but...but...but...I..love...you...and..God..why do I bother....I worship the ground you walk on.
.....and I won't say it cos you'll not like it......
Ant'knee: "Don't say it man like".
Cretinous Craig: "I won't say it..(puts hands to his mouth and whispers.... whilst still gazing at Ant'knee's co*k , which for some inexplicable reason is still out!!....I...WOULD...LIKE...TO...SLEEP...WITH..
YOU.."
Ant'knee: " But yas been sharing me bed for two month now like, in a manly way like".
Craig: "Anffonkneee what's all that noise, sounds like, police sirens, horses....and a helicopter?!!!!!"
Nana Hutton: ( voice shaking and hands quivering tries to open the toilet door..it's locked!!!!)
..... " Awww comeon now pet, let our Ant'knee out there's a love. There's some nice men downstairs in white coats and that like , who'd like a word with ya pet".
T!tboy: " I've told ya before old woman , back off. I'm not an instigator starter but if anyone touches Anffonknee I'll rip their arms off!!!".
(An un-characteristically quick witted Ant'knee siezes the opportunity of Nana Hutton and Craig arguing to button up his trousers and using a mascara pen ( which he uses for make-up in his stage show..... in a manly way ) to write a message on a sheet of toilet paper, which he places in one of the many empty bottles of massage lotion strewned around the toilet and tosses it out of the window).
Ant'knee: " Craig ya knows I like yas as a mate like, but ermm that like sex like innuendo and that like, ya got ta fookin' cut it out".
Creepy Craig: ( sobbing) " why do you treat me like sh!t. I will not diminish my character any further for the sake of this friendship..end of.
Craig grabs Ant'knee around the neck...
"..do ya want a massage Anfffonkneee???. Can I touch ya???"
Ant'knee:
Suddenly Craig is distracted by the strains of a familiar song......
"Oh baby, baby, how was I supppose to know..."
Craig: " It's ....BRITNEY".
The crazed Crimper, loosens his grip on Ant'knee and begins to dance wildly around the toilet.
Outside a huuuuuge crowd has gathered, held back by the telltale sign of blue and white police tape. A helicopter wurrs above....officers in riot gear, TV crews, a whole media circus. Davina Macoll ( dressed in black) is working the crowd. Many have banners.....PC Jenkins holds the empty massage lotion bottle in his hand, the hastily written note, in Ant'knee's barely legible childish handwriting, held tightly in his gloved fist.It reads:
"help...being holded hoostaige, by Crag, he's a fookin'' meantallist...he says we'll be two gether four ever...he says me dancing carrear is over like.......and that I'll never boogie oogie oggie till I just can't boogie no more again!!!!....get me out like....ya got ta distrate him....play some music like....Britney Shears....Hit Me Baby One More Time.....get a hoostaige negotia..negoati...someone who can talk to him like...there's only one woman for that job like...ya knows who I mean....hurry up like...cheers Ant'knee"
Suddenly this quiet street in Consett Co. Durham resembles a biblical scene as the crowd starts to part like the Red Sea.....from amidst the darkness, the noise and confusion emerges a figure...dressed in a black PVC mini -dress, weilding a truncheon...the voice is loud and distinctive, authoritative yet strangely annoying....
..."at the end of the daaaaay riiiiight...I KNOW I'm good looking and 'ave blokes fallin' at my feet and I'm a fookin' top hostage negotiator"
