20 Best ITV adverts

Sam Wollaston
Wednesday September 21, 2005
The Guardian

It's 30 years since they first landed on our television screens, but according to ITV's latest poll the Martians are still smashing

Five years after last being seen on Earth, the Smash Martians pay another visit. These have been tough times on their planet - a population divided over fundamental beliefs coupled with heavy meteorite showers brought about by Martian warming. So they've come to Earth for a bit of a laugh, some light relief. We join them, as usual, on their spacecraft as it approaches. Three Martians are on board, two with blue wok-shaped heads, one with a red one. Martian 3, with the red wok-head, is looking into the Earth scanner, down at the Earth people. And the Martians speak, as they always have done, in metallic voices, emphasising each word individually. Frequently they burst into hysterical metallic laughter at the behaviour of the humanoids, as they have done since they first came and saw the primitive creatures peeling potatoes with their metal knives in 1974 ...
MARTIAN 1: What, are, the, Earth, people, doing?

MARTIAN 3: Watching, television.

MARTIAN 2. As, usual. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

MARTIAN 1: What, are, they, watching?

MARTIAN 3: It, is, called, I, T, V's, Best, Ever, Ads. On, I, T, V, 1.

MARTIAN 1: Again?

MARTIAN 2: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

MARTIAN 1. Last, time, in, their, year, 2000, it, was, Channel, 4's.

MARTIAN 2: Same, adverts?

MARTIAN 3: Same, adverts.

MARTIAN 1: Same, order? Guinness, horses, number, one? When, tick, follows, tock ... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

MARTIAN 3: Guinness, horses, number, two, now.

MARTIAN 2: Who, is, number, one?

MARTIAN 3. We, are!

MARTIANS 1, 2 and 3: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

MARTIAN 1: Do, you, realise, what, this, means? There, is, still, no, intelligent, life, on, this, planet. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

MARTIAN 1: Who, is, the, presenter?

MARTIAN 3: Phillip, Schofield. He, says, our, ad, was, "light, years, ahead, of, its, time".

MARTIAN 2: But, light, years, measure, distance, not, time, everyone, knows, that.

MARTIAN 1: Except, stupid, Earth, presenters. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

MARTIAN 2: Did, they, have, the, usual, primitive, Earthling, pundits, for, top, 20, shows?

MARTIAN 3. Some, good, people - actors, directors, from, adverts. But, also, random, irrelevant, TV, people.

MARTIAN 2: Such, as?

MARTIAN 3: Lorraine, Kelly.

MARTIANS 1 and 2: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

MARTIAN 1: What, intelligent, human, insight, did, Lorraine, Kelly, have, about, our, advert?

MARTIAN 3: "I, loved, the, Smash, Martians. They, were, fantastic, and, they, always, made, me, laugh."

MARTIANS 1, 2, and 3: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

http://media.guardian.co.uk/broadcast/comment/0,7493,1574890,00.html

LOL!!!

Quite a few of the interviews on the ITV programme were taken from the 100 Greatest TV Ads series, but nice to see new interviews as well, especially pairing up Sharon Maughan and Anthony Head to talk about the Gold Blend ads. Shame they didn't get Peter Kay to talk about the John Smiths ads.

Then again, the revised repeats of the 100 Greatest... programmes on Channel 4 are being credited to Granada Yorkshire, not Tyne Tees. Surely the gravest insult to anyone involved in television production in the North East.

And IIRC the Top 20 from the C4 show went like this:

20. Real Coal Fires (1988)
19. Andrex (Puppies, 1972 to date)
18. Shake 'n' Vac (1979-1989)
17. Carling (Dambusters, 1989-1990)
16. Coca-Cola (I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing, 1971)
15. Nike (Parklife, 1997)
14. BT (Ology, 1988)
13. Yellow Pages (JR Hartley, 1983-1994)
12. Renault Clio (Papa & Nicole, 1991-1998) - glad this didn't make it
11. Cinzano (Collins & Rossiter, 1977-1983)
10. Impulse (Two blokes, 1998)
9. Walker's Crisps (Gary Lineker, 1993 (not 1995!) to date)
8. Hamlet (Baldy Man, 1986)
7. R Whites (Secret Lemonade Drinker, 1973-1994) - surprised this was left out of the ITV list
6. Levi's (Launderette, 1985)
5. Boddingtons (Melanie Sykes, 1997)
4. Heat Electric (Creature Comforts, 1990-1993)
3. Tango (Orange man, 1991) - probably a bit too OTT for ITV viewers
2. Smash martians (1973-1983, 1999)
1. Guinness (Horses and surfers, 1999)

Full list here

Nope, definitely January 1995...both the Walkers site and old newsgroup postings confirm it.