I came up with a schedule for the proposed channel a while ago. The resultant thread got quite long and although I didn't, as promised, build a spoof website (couldn't be bothered to finish) - I did get as far as compiling the contributions of all the forum members into a schedule for Monday - Friday. It's not entirely complete so there may be some repetition. There are some links (click here for..) which obviously won't work.
I wrote some of this but about half of it is the work of various TV Forum posters whose names I cannot find. It's a team effort.
Here it is - the complete TV Forum Channel schedule for the week. Enjoy.
MONDAY
06.00 Breakfast
With Dermot Murnaghan and Natasha Kaplinsky. Headline beds on the hour.
08.45 - 3.00 OFF AIR. ENTIRE STAFF AT SCHOOL DOING AS MEDIA STUDIES EXAMS. LONG DRAWN OUT CLOSEDOWN AND START UP SEQUENCES LASTING ONE AND TWO HOURS RESPECTIVELY TO CHEER UP ANY ILL VIEWERS.
3.00 BBC World Is Not Conventionally Available In The United Kingdom
A tired man indignantly stabs his finger on a desk whilst explaining the myriad reasons why BBC World is not available in the UK. Includes explanation of how it is simple and cheap to be able to watch it in the UK, but not on the Digibox, or through digital terrestrial, and it never will be.
4.00 Secret History: The Continuity Announcer and Saddam
Shocking but libellous exposé of the connections between BBC continuity announcer Brian Perkins and the former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.
5.00 Desert Island Vamps
The intellectual Noam Chomsky discusses his favourite news themes and headline beds with Sue Lawley.
6.00 Test Card
Soap opera set inside BBC Test Card J. Emma ponders her next 'noughts and crosses' move.
7.00 Points of View
Hour-long edition of the popular show for moaning windbags. Featuring a statistically disproportionate number of complaints about black and Asian television presenters and journalists. Hosted by Lenny Henry, who's rubbish, and who only got the job because he's black.
8.00 The Continuity Booth
Fast-paced drama series set in the transmission department of a national broadcaster - from the makers of ER. When an international football match goes into extra time, Rav must prepare to announce an altered schedule. Meanwhile when Dominic makes an innapropriate annoucement over the delicately silent credits of a programme about abandoned babies, Kate is forced to remember the son she put up for adoption. Click here for more information about the show
9.00 FILM: The Aspect Ratio Job
"You've only gone and chopped the bloody sides off!" Michael Caine stars in this cultish tale of TX misadventure. In fullscreen pan & scan until 9.15, after which:
9.15 - 4:3 letterbox
9.23 - Really squashed with huge cue-dot in top left (top right after 9.46)
10.05-10.06 - Brief period of high-speed tape spooling backwards and forwards.
10.30 BBC News
With Huw Edwards. No news, just the accompanying presentation.
10.35 V Simon *
Ceefax action with in-depth analysis from the BBC Westminster studio with Simon *. Including a run down of all the tracks played and what time. Click here for more information about the show
10.40 FILM: Test Card W
Erotic thriller.
12.10 The Lounge
Offensive, poorly spelt, and badly informed late-night debate about various aspects of one of the most pressing concerns of modern society: the Gays.
TVFC EDUCATION ZONE
01.00 Coping With Asperger's
Programme 1: At Home
TVFC BLIND ZONE - Programmes for the sightless
01.30 Pages from Ceefax
Read by the porky woman who usually does Sign Zone on BBC 1. (See Job Swap, Tuesday, 8.30)
02.00 Teleshopping
Not a chance to buy clean mp3s or minidiscs or carts of anything, because they aren't available, not even if you ring the BBC duty desk in London. Got it? Some nice Diana, Princess of Wales teapots for sale, though.
05.00 Engineer's Information
While the nation sleeps, amateur webmasters make self-important announcements about the operational status of their websites, under the mistaken impression that they have a base of repeated visitors who could care less whether or not their website is online.
TUESDAY
06.00 Breakfast
With Dermot Murnaghan and Natasha Kaplinsky. With Kay's travel updates every minute, on the minute.
08.45 - 3.00 OFF AIR. ENTIRE STAFF AT SCHOOL DOING AS MEDIA STUDIES EXAMS. LONG DRAWN OUT CLOSEDOWN AND START UP SEQUENCES LASTING ONE AND TWO HOURS RESPECTIVELY TO CHEER UP ANY ILL VIEWERS.
3.00 Cockfighting with Terry and Simon.
As in the wildfowl.
4.00 The Duty Office
Return of the fly-on-the-wall documentary about the BBC Duty Office. The staff are faced with a dilemma when they are forced to decide which standard email response to send to a viewer enquiry.
5.00 The Cock-Up Show
Episode 12: The One With No Audio.
6.00 Test Card
Soap opera set inside BBC Test Card J. Stare at the clown for long enough and it moves.
ISONSTINE NIGHT
A night of programmes from award-winning producer James Ison.
7.00 You've Been Framed
More tips and tricks on how to make your camerawork more pleasing to viewers watching in all aspects.
8.00 Jerry Springer
The controversial US chat show host returns with a new series. This week: "That ho' stole my BBC News mp3s!"
9.00 Call My Bluff
A forum idiot starts another TV related rumour to stir things up. This week: there's going to be some sort of BBC News revamp at some time in the future, isn't there?
9.30 After They Were Famous
Ex-famous forum members tell their stories of how the forum was better when they were around and ruled the roost.
10.00 Doctors
Drama series set in a busy Midlands medical practice. A tragic family history is revealed when Ollie's view of the BBC ONE globe is misinterpreted by an anxious mother. Mack has to deal with a rare case of Marie Ashby-itis after a young Coventry boy cannot stop watching Central News East and reciting lines.
10.30 BBC News Special: Huw Stands Up
Enjoy 30 minutes of Huw Edwards standing up, discussing his favourite custard recipes.
10.45 Your Particular Part of the Region
Now with sub-sub-sub-sub-opts from your local post office.
11.00 V Simon * Click here for more information about the show
12.10 The Lounge
Mouth-gapingly offensive discussion of paedophilia.
TVFC EDUCATION ZONE
01.00 Coping With Asperger's
Programme 2: At Work & School
02.00 Teleshopping
To coincide with next week's rebrand, a unique chance to win an incredibly expensive Lambie-Nairn redesign and image re-alignment. Winner will have hair restyled very slightly.
WEDNESDAY
06.00 Breakfast
With Dermot Murnaghan in London and Natasha Kaplinsky in a jar.
08.45 - 3.00 OFF AIR. STAFF GOES SWIMMING ON WEDNESDAYS AFTER SCHOOL.
3.00 Blankety Blank
Forumers must guess the missing word in phrases such as:
"My friend from the forum loves BBC World. Whenever the countdown comes on he blanks."
4.00 One man and his DOG.
Bearder Geographers from the Granada region point aimlessly at oversized on-screen channel identifiers.
5.00 Judge TomServo
MrTomServo reviews forum conflicts whilst killing the last brain cells in the forum banals with a large gavel.
6.00 Test Card
Soap opera set inside BBC Test Card J. The clown thinks he might be gay but is afraid to confront the little girl, who is busy pondering her next noughts-and-crosses move.
7.00 Through The Desktop
Lloyd Grossman hosts the programme which asks: "Which member would work with a desktop like this?"
8.00 Continuity Street
Soap set in the suburbs of the Leeds continuity department. Today we find out if Neil will get his hands on Bob's Cinema empire. Meanwhile the person who tried to shoot Kerrie is revealed. Finally, in a cataclysmic ending, Maggie accidentally switches her announcement to a Boeing 747 rather than GMG North, instructing the pilot to land 'In the Heart of Your Region'. As the plane descends over the centre of Leeds, can the veteran announcer send an apology caption before its too late?
9.00 NEW SERIES
The Teletext Story
A four-hour long thrusting drama based around the pioneering days of Ceefax and Oracle in the Wild West. Of England.
10.00 NEW SERIES
The Making of Ceefax
Docu-soap detailing the daily lives of those walking at the hard edge of teletext journalism, featuring also the team who decide which pages will be broadcast overnight on BBC2 and which naff musak will be broadcast with them.
10.35 BBC News
With Anna Ford's larynx.
11.00 V Simon * Click here for more information about the show
12.10 The Lounge
A well informed and incisive deconstruction of the geo-political situation in the Middle East, with a calm overview of the threat of 'neo-conservatives'. Viewers should be aware that this programme will be punctuated by occasional racist screeching.
TVFC EDUCATION ZONE
01.00 Coping With Asperger's
Programme 3: Everyday Life
02.00 Teleshopping
Featuring the latest diamanté-look jewellery. As good as real diamanté, but half the price.
03.00 Pages from TV Forum
Read by a bruised Simon *.
THURSDAY
06.00 Coitus Interruptus Breakfast
With Dermot Murnaghan and Natasha Kaplinsky.
08.45 - 6.00 OFF AIR.
6.00 Test Card
Soap opera set inside BBC Test Card J. Panic sweeps the test card when a small fly lands on the blackboard. Meanwhile the little girl contemplates her next noughts-and-crosses move.
7.00 The Real James Ison
The show that takes a look behind the screen name and spends a week with a forum member, to find out what they are really like, the show also features interviews with family and friends. This week we meet the real James Ison. Fabricated by Martin Bashir.
8.00 Testcards From Hell
Members of the TCC recall horrifying instances of the BBC radiating less than the prescribed amount of tone. Contains scenes most viewers will find bemusing.
9.00 Certain Transmitters Only : The Pages From Ceefax Story
A six-part adaptation of the novel by Will Self. Part One : Enigma Rising. It's the mid-seventies, and in a workshop deep in the bowels of BBC Television Centre, an engineer happens to be listening to some bland, nondescript muzak while reading computer-printed news reports... with Ross Kemp as Simon *.
10.35 BBC News
11.00 V Simon * Click here for more information about the show
12.10 The Lounge
TVFC EDUCATION ZONE
01.00 Coping With Asperger's
Programme 4: At The Shops
02.00 Teleshopping
Special offers on stuff that's really bling. Drop-top Kompressors, etc, etc.
03.00 The MHP Files
FRIDAY
06.00 Coitus Interruptus Breakfast
With Dermot Murnaghan and Natasha Kaplinsky.
08.45 - 3.00 OFF AIR.
3.00 Countdown
Epic quiz show. Richard Whitely presides over two contestants who have an obsessive knowledge of the BBC News 24 countdown.
6.00 Test Card
Soap opera set inside BBC Test Card J.
6.30 Bottom
We find out what happens to those forum threads that are either closed or get no response so they are just thrown through the forum to the last page.
7.00 The Simpsons
A Docusoap about journalist John Simpson and his family. With strong language
8.00 Cribs
You are invited into the homes of the members of TV Forum. Who will it be this week?
8.30 CrimeWatch TV
Whos been putting pictures into mocks that arent theirs? Whos been dealing out those BBC News mp3's? Fiona Bruce and Nick Ross stand around impotently while the police investigate.
9.00 24
Whats been going on behind the scenes of BBC News 24 this week
9.30 Pure 24
Forum discussion on presenter shift changes, presenters themselves and everything else BBC News 24
10.00 NEW DRAMA: The Project
A drama researched over seveal months charting the sinister life inside Logo Free TV. Three new members simply wishing to reduce the brightness and size of the CBeebies logo get forced to campaign against any graphics at all and the way stylish documentaries put the caption on the other side of the screen after being threatened with not being able to buy a plasma screen ever again.
10.35 BBC News
with Big Moira.
11.00 V Simon * Click here for more information about the show
LATE NIGHT FRIDAY MASTERBATURAMA
For any TV Forumers who may happen not to have a girlfriend. (Is't possible?)
11.30 The Sex O' Clock News
Well known newsreaders talk candidly about their sex lives. This week Trevor McDonald takes us to his favourite lap dancing club.
12.00 Family Affairs
A one-off documentary about the incestuous relationship between Max Douglass and his father.
12.30 Bakewatch
Cookery. Making and baking pies on the beach, with big-boobed lass, Martina Anderson.
TVFC EDUCATION ZONE
01.00 Coping With Asperger's
Programme 5: How To Behave In Online Forums
02.00 Teleshopping
Finally, when the following archive schedules were composed, the channel had just undergone a multi-billion pound relaunch....
"TVFC's imperceptible new look hits screens next week
Monday sees the beginning of a new era in the history of the TV Forum Channel. Viewers will fail to notice the barely visible alterations from 6am on Monday, when the new graphics - designed by Martin Lambie-Nairn - hit the screen.
Speaking to TVFC Online, Lambie-Nairn was enthusiastic about the changes. "It's a fresh new look for a fresh new century," he said. "We've altered the channel's identity in a way that is sure to bring TVFC into the third quarter of 2003."
One of the comparitively noticable changes will be the removal of the
http://www. from the URL in all logos. Viewers can also expect an insignificant four-pixel decrease in the height of the channel's logo. Online, the background of TVFC's header will change from #99CCFF to #C1E0FF.
The changes took six months to complete and will cost the station £4.5bn. At the time of publication, the station's controller was said to be 'unaware' of the redesign."
) I wonder if I still have the scrappy bit of paper I scribbled down the synopsis for Continuity Street on lying around anywhere. 