The Countdown Capers
15th August 1985 (Poptastic Pete & Peachy Dix)
We cut back to Poptastic who's joined by a young ice-cream salesman, and before our next 'turn' Pete helpfully informs us of Phil Colon's holiday arrangements.
The local park bench isn't ruled out at this point for Phil and his colon, but we're then led by the Poptastic hand to an
'everyone else is on holiday so this lot will have to do
' debut for....
40- Total Con Trick - Hickory Dickory Dock
A track which would likely get both 'thumbs aloft' from Our TuneLord as it's horology related, Total Contrast appear with the lead singer dressing up as a waiter, presumably not from the same restaurant that questioned Phil the Shill's dress sense as he'd likely end up with a punch in the dickie!
I do remember this one, despite it seeming relatively forgettable. It bounds along inoffensively enough for the next 3 & a bit minutes, but like so much on this edition it's a bit meh & not one to get thrilled about.
Probably works better with some wattage behind it on a dancefloor.
The assembled audience have a better idea of where the groove is on this one though, so at least some semblance of order is restored.
Would've also been ripe for a 'Norvelle' lollop round the stage if he'd have been present.
Mark under 'one where Herr Hurll can have 40 winks down the
, by this time like much of the viewing public.
We then go for an examination from the bottom up, with Dixie's permanently etched gurn showing no sign of fatigue & a Poptastic/Peachy tag-team 40 to 11.
For the hard of remembering, Poptastic reminds the audience expecting the Top 10 now that Princess is at number 11, and a nation shouts
Alas, it has been decreed we shall have more pick 'n' mix goodies until our stomachs explode or we all get Type 2 Diabetes, so for openers on the "Top 40 Breakers"....
38- Dio - Diiiiiii-o...Daylight Come and Me Wanna Go Home
Opening a branch of a curiosity shop Mr. Benn may have visited prior to going into a changing room seems like a flawed business idea for Mr. Dio. From the looks of the establishment, the buyer needs sacking as they've bought a shedload of dust-collecting tat & the whole floorspace is in dire need of the full Kim & Aggie deep clean in order to attract customers instead of rats.
Locking up potential customers in cupboards to try to encourage them to part with their hard earned, or scaring the living crap out of them also seems a flawed way to encourage customer loyalty.
It ain't exactly John Lewis.
For this 'WTF is all this about?' video, Dio channels his inner Mystic Meg (crossed with Freddie Krueger & Richard O'Brien), while he sends the hapless "Rock & Roll Children" round a crystal maze of their worst nightmares. The terrifying prospect of the receipt of a white blouse off her parents for Christmas seems too much to bear for the girl, whilst the threat of a short back & sides for the guy makes him scamper for the nearest exit.
It's difficult to decipher if the barber threatened to give the lad an Our TuneLord 'Lego' cut but if that was the case, that would be enough to scare the crap out of anyone.
"Hey laydeez, wanna get a bit of Our Tune with Mr. March?"
33- More Balti - Gimme the Order (at 9 Tonight)
Turning up for your performance looking like Herman Munster isn't normally a good selling point (unless you're Herman Munster or Nik Kershaw), but not only did the Irish ex-paramedic who fronted the band contribute minimally (see clickety), for most appearances the Frank Farian-style svengali behind the venture made Jimmy McShane look like a possessed corpse after Baron Samedi had been at him with a touch of the Voodoo.
"Where's my Balti order?"
The video gives the viewer a right headache, full of garish colour and jerky motion but 'Gary & Stacey' arriving back from a European Summer sojourn would've royally lapped it up.
More Balti also cuts some Claypole 'shapes', but I suppose at least he didn't take any dancing lessons off them two wonky-legged guitarists from the Beat which would've made the concept ridiculous.
My favourite researched Tube-y performance is this one from German TV, for which Herr Hurll's German counterpart chucks a whole makeshift zoo on stage to ram home the jungle message, complete with staged punch-up's, a tiger with Simon Cowell's teeth and a bewildered pantomime zebra.
I kid you not.
An earworm in the style of Juan King Prawn, the Sludge Sisters ("do you re-mem-ber?") & the Joe Dolce Theatre of Hate.
Deliciously camp, and resistance is futile.
In a baffling and crunching change of gear, the breakers go straight into the Top 10 (with a brief meander to the Bush), before we're unceremoniously dumped outside the Top 10 again so Peachy can stuff up the title as "Running Aw..Up that Hill" where he collapses with laughter but at least Poptastic's there to steady the ship. Peachy gets another go moments later where his second bite at the Bush is 'textbook'.
Peachy was later put into detention by Herr Hurll and as punishment made to write out the full title of the Kate Bush track 1000 times for his misdemeanour. And quite right too.
10- Misspelt Nick - Don Corleone
If Nik Kershaw's booked into the same hotel during your holiday, it might be an idea to ask to change resort...
9- Kate Thicket - Nordic Walking (Do Us a Deal Mate!)
A mixture of ballet and wrestling with this video, with not a hill or a runner in sight. I demand a refund!
8- the DVLA - Banned from Driving
A surprisingly affecting and effective video, the song had even more gravitas on re-release following it's place within Live Aid.
7- Bone Idle - Decree Nisi
A class track & 'sneer' delight, but for your Wedding day whatever you do don't invite any of this lot.
6- the Euthymols - There Must Be a Toothpaste (Playing with my Plaque)
Ooh, I haven't heard this before!
At least not like this....
5- Diarrhoea - Money for Old Rope
Maxing out the ZX Spectrum graphics, Dire Straits go virtual reality and stratosperic.
4- Tina Gurner - No Hero or Jacket Required (Thundercats)
Easily my fave Tina Turner track & quite haunting when the choir kicks in, this cleverly edited video brings it up to date.
3- P45 with Crusty Behind - Piles Got You, Babe
Keep on plodding...
2- Ze fallen Madonna weez ze Big Boobies - Jollies!
In just over 18 Months, Madge went from making her TV debut on American Bandstand to performing in front of a bunch of creepy eccentric French people in the aggregate section of a Builder's Merchant, with an extra from
thrown into the groove. Don't stray from the paaaaaaath!
1- Ze fallen Madonna weez ze Big Boobies - Get Out of My Groove and Stay Out!
Terrific bass line aside, it's not my favourite of her's by any stretch but the film & it's original unavailability on "Like a Virgin" propelled the single into monster status. Like a lot of this particular Top 10 it's overplayed, but I wouldn't switch this one off if it came on the radio.
27- D-Train - Leaving from D-Station
For the outro Poptastic Pete loses a bet with his new found Kenyan brethren (from Bolton), and for his humiliation is forced to wear a khaki headband that's more Haribo than Rambo whilst Peachy carries on laughing his ass off.
The final act is a welcome bit of soul/funk by D-Train given a re-release with a bit of 'oomph' by Paul Sandcastle, and where would we be without the cheerleaders to entertain us?
With no 'Norvelle' this Week to lumber round the stage (another one on annual leave I'd wager), a few brave stalwarts remain including 'Blondie' and 'our Aveline' (pyrhouetting in a sparkly blue top) and with that deconstruction, unfortunately it's a disappointingly lacklustre
, with a point or two knocked off for the 1985 format.
For the music separated from the show, I'd give it a more generous
"I'm Goana be a Cheerleader"
Last edited by Dai Jestive on 13 April 2018 5:55pm - 18 times in total
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